Jokes

It has been some time since I share something nice and funny in my blog. So here are a few jokes that I came across while researching on making slogans and idioms and tag lines etc. Ya, I like to improve myself in that way. Knowing more is better than knowing less. =) I know there's a lot of jokes below, but they're really hilarious, read them through. Enjoy~

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BEER

Now cheaper than gas.

Drink, don't drive.

It's lonely at the top;

but you eat better.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

(unless I buy something)

MEETINGS

A practical alternative to work

If your feet smell

and your nose runs,

you're built upside down.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

What I really wanted was

a screamer or a moaner.

For my next magic trick,

I'll need a condom and a volunteer.

Stupidity is not a handicap!

Park elsewhere!

If aliens are smart enough

to travel through space,

why do they keep abducting

the dumbest people on earth?

When you get old and your kids ask

where all the money went, show

them the vacation videos.

Confession is good for the soul,

but bad for your career.

Hard work never killed anyone,

But why chance it?

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING

- Ban Country Music -

Never Go to Bed Angry.

Stay Awake and Plot Your Revenge.

Oh Lord,

give me patience.

And give it to me NOW!

I think sex is better than logic,

but I can't prove it.

Evolution created anchovies.

Man's ignorance put them on pizza.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex.

It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Kinky is using a feather.

Perverted is using the whole chicken.

I can only please one person per day.

Today is not your day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Lord,

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I has to kill because they pissed me off.

A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

Lord, if I can't be skinny,

please let all my friends be fat.

WANTED:

A meaningful overnight relationship.

Question:

Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?

Answer:

I don't know and I don't care.

If life serves you lemons, make lemonade.

If life gives you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

God Made Pot.

Man Made Beer.

Who Do You Trust?

If Noah had been smart he would

have swatted those two flies.

If at first you don't succeed,

destroy all evidence that you even tried.

I need someone really bad.

Are you really bad?

No one ever says, "It's only a game."

when their team is winning.

If a thing is worth doing

it would have been done already.

If your voting could really change things,

it would be illegal.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,

not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

People who say you can't buy happiness

just don't know where to shop.

Join the army

Travel the world,

Meet interesting people

And kill them.

Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.

24 hours in a day

24 beers in a case

Coincidence?

I think not!

If we weren't meant to eat animals

then why are they made of meat?

I was only looking at

your nametag, honest!

What is a free gift?

Aren't all gifts free?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Don't get married.

Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Be nice to your kids.

They'll choose your nursing home.

They call it "PMS" because

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It's not whether you win or lose,

but how you place the blame.

A fool and his money

can throw one hell of a party.

Learn from your parents' mistake;

Use Birthcontrols.

Money isn't everything,

but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive

You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed

skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion

that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.

Let's exchange recipes.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.

Then things get worse.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is

you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends take ugly women home.

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Like them? If there're any that you don't quite get it, leave a comment, I'll explain. =)